Hacking the Modern Indian Marriage with Ishita Pateria

And how it relates to the Indian diaspora in South-East Asia

As a ‘global indian’, part of the Sindhi diaspora born and raised in Indonesia, my closest friends and family have largely been of Indian origin. At the same time, it was not easy for me to relate to Indian friends at school who were in Indonesia as expats. There was the language barrier (I did not speak Hindi), and I also, somewhat naively, thought of the diaspora as being more ‘modern’ than the expats. For instance, all the diaspora adults I knew dressed in western wear; salwar suits and sarees were saved for religious events and weddings. They also generally seemed more in touch with western culture – be it music, movies, or food. What I did not realize was how rooted-in-tradition most of our diaspora family structures still were.

What I did not realize was how rooted-in-tradition most of our diaspora family structures still were.

Whether in my parents’ generation or in mine, it was common for a newly married couple to live with the husband’s parents (henceforth the in-laws), at least at the start. Some couples did move out as soon as they were married, but the joint family set-up was equally (if not more) common. Even in situations where a couple had moved out, the tendency to spend plenty of time with the in-laws was normal, and so too the likelihood of them encroaching upon the choices made by the couple in some way or form. This is something I have heard many married friends complain about and seems to be a common experience whether you are part of the diaspora or live your life on the Indian subcontinent.

Judging by stories from generations before , grappling with this aspect of Indian marriages has been a challenge for time immemorial, often leading to tensions, resentments, and even separations / divorces.

grappling with this aspect of Indian marriages has been a challenge for time immemorial, often leading to tensions, resentments, and even separations / divorces.

Clearly, this is something that Indian couples need to learn to address better.

Marriage counseling is a great way to address issues or concerns in a marriage. And yet, I can see how many Indians would find it hard to do the one thing counselors tend to recommend: lay down boundaries.

Indians the world over have been taught filial piety to the extent of not doing anything that may be construed as ‘disrespecting’ one’s elders. In some instances, there has been much subtle brainwashing that being a joint family is synonymous with being a harmonious one. ‘Moving out’ is therefore depicted as failure.

‘Moving out’ is therefore depicted as failure

There is also a deeply rooted cultural expectation in some families that the son of the family will ‘take care’ of his parents to their dying breath, but in a manner that specifically involves living under the same roof.

Cultural expectations aside, there are many sons who genuinely feel deeply connected to their parents and want to maintain the joint family structure because it fits into their value system. They choose this even if they recognize that it may pose challenges when they marry, believing the benefits will outweigh the challenges in the end. There are also couples who choose to live with their parents or in-laws for more financial reasons – to save on rent and other costs, and maybe to build up their savings for a future property purchase of their own. The result of this is that living with one’s in-laws remains a ‘norm’ in Indian families.

I have often felt that counselors from a different cultural background may not fully understand these nuances of the Indian culture. And so, it is exceptionally relevant to have a counselor who can relate to these nuances, who can marry the knowledge and wisdom of psychology with the peculiarities of the Indian family.

The thirdepisodeof The Masoom Minawala Show (on Youtube) features marriage counselor Ishita Pateria, a -Mumbai based counselor who has been working with Indian couples for years. Listening to her take on the challenges of Indian marriages was, to me, a breath of fresh air.

One of the things Ishita pointed out as a common concern in Indian marriages was a lack of boundaries with one’s in-laws. She went on to explain why this was the case: there is, in fact, no concept of boundaries in the Indian culture.

She went on to explain why this was the case: there is, in fact, no concept of boundaries in the Indian culture.

‘Boundaries’ is very much a western concept. As soon as I heard this, I felt a lightbulb go off in my head – I recognized this as true.

While we have been taught how to establish specific boundaries with strangers, like not allowing someone to touch us in an unwanted way, most of us were not taught to think about what boundaries we wished to establish in our relationships with those regularly around us, like members of our own family. I know I am generalizing here, but for many Indian children the repeated adage was to be respectful, considerate of others, and generally obedient where parents were concerned.

How, then, do we act in a way we have never been taught?

How, then, do we act in a way we have never been taught?

A way often culturally construed as disrespectful?

How do we engage in behavior that feels new and rather uncomfortable?

Despite recognizing these challenges, Pateria asserts that having boundaries is exceptionally important to the success of marriages. As such, she goes on to discuss some ideas that help with establishing them:

1. Recognize that Setting Boundaries in Indian Families Will Be Hard

For Indians with limited experience laying down boundaries, we do need to be told this in advance. This helps us commit to the process knowing full well the road ahead.

There may be pushback, and we will disappoint others. It will be uncomfortable and confrontational. But if something is important, then laying down a boundary is a necessary evil for long-term benefits to unfold.

2. When communicating a boundary, use ‘I’ language

Make it about your needs, not the other person’s annoying habits. This will help avoid a battle of egos and prevent defensiveness from the other party.

After all, you’re showing that it’s not ‘them’, it’s ‘you’.

Pateria provides some example scenarios and role-plays them for us in the show, which is extremely useful. After all, it is always valuable to have a template of what to say to your mother-in-law when asking her not to regularly open-up your closet, even if it is just to put away the laundry…

The need for boundaries with one’s parents and in-laws is just one of many common challenges discussed on the show. All the challenges addressed are highly relevant.

If you are Indian and married, or plan to be sometime soon, this episode is one I would highly recommend.